Tag: 5 love languages

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3 Mindful Tips for Words of Affirmation Lovers

When do you feel most loved by your significant other? Can you pinpoint specific times, instances, or scenes where love seems to surround you? In this blog series, we are exploring how different people respond to and feel love. Knowing which of the 5 Love Languages your partner prefers ensures that you communicate your feelings in ways that speak loudest and most effectively to your special someone.

Even as small children, we develop our preferences of how we experience love. A child shouting from the playground, “Mommy, watch me!” or “Watch what I can do, Daddy!” is likely going to be the adult who values words of affirmation from their spouse. They feel secure and loved when someone verbally compliments and praises their efforts. They thrive on encouraging words when they are feeling unsteady. It gives them renewed strength when someone they love and admire affirms their abilities.

Here are three tips on how to show your love and adoration for your words of affirmation lover.

Say it Loud, Say it Proud
1. People whose primary love language is words of affirmation treasure the verbalization of feelings for not only them but the world to hear. They find comfort in frequent positive reinforcement.  “I love you”, “I am proud of you”, “you are doing a great job” speaks directly to their heart. Tell them often how much they mean to you and how special they are in all areas of their life.

2. Take Pen to Paper (or Fingers to Screens)
Unexpected love notes in the form of text messages, post-it notes on lunches, or cards in the mail are greatly appreciated. It doesn’t have to be much, but a simple acknowledgment of love and adoration goes a long way. Whether you write them handwritten notes or send an email from work, just remind them of how incredible you think they are as often as you can.

3. Be Mindful in Your Speech
If your partner prefers you to communicate your love for them through words of affirmation, it is important to be mindful of how you speak to them. For example, non-constructive criticism can be confusing, and undue criticism can be damaging to not only your relationship but also to the person. Your S.O. appreciates gentle tones to show respect and compassion. Emotionally harsh words spoken in loud tones can cause them to feel inadequate and unloved. Be thoughtful in how you speak to them.

It is important to mindfully think about your partner. You know them best. Look for their areas of insecurity and find ways to positively reinforce them. Find verbal and written ways to lift them up not just in times of stress or sadness, but always.

For more suggestions on how to mindfully affirm a Words of Affirmation lover, contact us!

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4 Helpful Hints to Winning Over Your Quality Time Lover

It should not come as a surprise that relationships flourish when the needs of both partners are met equally. A problem arises when couples attempt to meet their significant others in the middle but fall short of their mark because well-intentioned efforts go unnoticed. If you and your partner have not taken Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages quiz, you may think you are showing your love for you S.O. in all the rights ways only to find they are left unfulfilled because your attempts, while appreciated, aren’t saying “I love you” in juuust the right way.

For someone who prefers love to be communicated through Quality Time, snagging their favorite gum at the checkout line or taking out the trash isn’t a direct route to their heartstrings. What is, you ask? Giving them your undivided attention is what they need most to feel loved and secure in your relationship. Here are a couple of suggestions to make sure your time and efforts are on the right track.

Four Helpful Hints to Winning Over Your Quality Time Lover

1. Hold their eyes while you are talking.
I’m not talking about the cartoons when goofy hearts bubble up from the characters’ fluttering eyes. Quality Time lovers appreciate when you keep eye contact with them. It shows you are paying attention.

2. Resist the urge to interrupt them when they are speaking.
Often we do not realize that when we interrupt someone mid-sentence the other person may perceive it as us saying, “my thoughts are more important than yours”. Ouch.

3. Ask thoughtful questions.
If your partner is not feeling well, ask about their physical and emotional pain. Maybe they are missing an important meeting or a long-anticipated party because of an illness. As terrible as they physically feel, they may also be a little blue. Give them the opportunity to talk it out.

4. Make your time together count.
Your quality time lover is not looking for you to spend gobs of time together out of obligation or simple proximity, they want your time together to be intentional and meaningful. Schedule regular date nights. If going out to try a new restaurant every week isn’t in the cards, plan to sip wine or whiskey by a cozy fire to talk about your day instead.

The good news about being partnered up with a quality time person is that all they really want is you. They want your focused attention to talk about things that matter to the two of you. They value snuggling under a blanket watching a favorite movie or playing board games, or mapping out a garden, or going on a hike. They want a distraction-free time to share your lives together.

As you are checking in with your partner on their physical, mental, and emotional well being, it is a good idea to take your own self-assessment. Your significant other is meant to be your safe place where you can let your guard down. As the two of you are thoughtfully engaged in conversation, make it a point to intentionally listen to your own body to see what you may need. It is incredibly hard to pour out love for others when your own wellspring is neglected. Remember to care for yourself and nourish your needs or ask your S.O. to help you.

For more ideas on how to win over your quality time lover, contact us!

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How to Mindfully Show Your Love to Someone Who Prefers Acts of Service

When we are in love, we want our significant other to know how much they mean to us, right? We want to shower them with our affection and ensure they feel loved by us. Receiving this communication can be tricky if we speak different love languages. If a person does not know their significant others’ love language, they are more likely to show their adoration in ways that they, personally, would prefer, which may not be the same as their loved one. In these cases,  best intentions may result in ambivalence, which causes frustration and resentment.  

For example, a husband who falls into the Acts of Service bucket of The 5 Love Languages is likely going to show his love by trying to make his wife’s life easier, in his mind. He will show he loves her by washing her car, helping with tasks he thinks are difficult for her, or filling up her gas tank on a bitter winter’s day. His goal is to ease her burden when he can. While these are wonderful things, if she is someone who prefers Words of Affirmation, all of his efforts won’t mean as much as him saying, “I’m really proud of you.”

So what are we to do? First, learn which of the 5 Love Languages your partner prefers. Next, learn how to mindfully and effectively show your love in ways they will best receive them.

Here are three suggestions for showing your love to an Acts of Service person.

1. Look for Opportunities of Service
This may require a little extra thought on your end. Be mindful in your displays of affection because your reasoning for doing the service is just as important as the act itself. Think through ways that you can show your love and adoration through easy tasks. If your partner can’t seem to get out of bed early enough to make a hot breakfast before work, hand them a nutritious breakfast burrito on their way out the door. If navigating the parking garage and shuttle at the airport is taxing for them, offer to drive so they don’t have to deal with that stress. If they keep forgetting to schedule “me time” for themselves, set up a massage appointment for them. You can show your partner how much you love them by anticipating their needs and finding simple ways to make things a little easier for them.


2. Lighten Their Load
No one likes chores and we all appreciate a helping hand once in a while, however, Acts of Service people feel most loved when their special someone takes the time to mindfully consider ways to lessen their daily burdens. Think about what chores they dread doing and surprise them by completing one. Is the hall closet in total disarray? Help your partner by organizing it. If they need help running children from one practice field to the next, offer to take a shift. If cleaning the bathroom feels like the bane of their existence, take a turn. You’ll be amazed at how loved Acts of Service people feel when you mindfully consider their feelings. 

3. Be Present When Doing a Daily Routine
When couples do not share a love language, it can sometimes be frustrating thinking up new ways to help them, or show love in a way that does not feel natural to oneself. It is important to be mindful of why you are doing these tasks. Remembering to stay present as you complete a chore, a favor, or an assignment, will help to ensure you are doing so cheerfully. Your significant other does not want you to do something out of obligation, but rather, they want it to be because you made a special effort to intentionally serve them and their needs.       

If you need help mindfully considering ways to help serve your Acts of Service partner, contact us for more suggestions!

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How the 5 Love Languages Will Benefit You

Relationships are a big part of our lives. They have helped to mold and shape us into our person, over the years, influencing our preferences. We take little nuggets from the people who come in and out of our lives, storing them in our memories. For some, we cherish the lessons we have learned and mimic their behavior, approach, or language. In contrast, there are other people for whom we intentionally do the opposite of what we have witnessed or experienced of them. What we learn, along the way, helps to determine our preferences in life.

Whether we’re talking about Myers-Briggs, or another personality inventory, knowing someone’s individual preference gives us an insight into how we can best communicate with them. If you have been in the working world for any length of time, management has likely asked you to complete some kind of personality profile in hopes of figuring out how colleagues, managers, and supervisors can best work together to create a cohesive and productive environment. They want to know if you are a planner, work best under pressure, navigate the world as an extrovert or an introvert. Knowing the answers to these questions will make project management easier and more fruitful. How we approach expressions of love is very similar.

Through his sessions as a counselor, Gary Chapman determined that, often, a chief problem in relationships was that partners were inefficiently communicating their love to one another. One did not “feel” the love from the other because they were misreading their partner’s displays of affection. Based on his observations, he created five buckets that the majority of people fall into when it comes to their preference for receiving expressions of love. He calls them The 5 Love Languages. Learning to decode your partner’s love language may be a game changer in your relationship. Chapman says that couples do not always share the same love language preferences and therefore attempts to show affection fall flat.   

For a brief snapshot, The 5 Love Languages can be viewed like this:

1. Acts of Service – The act of doing something, like a favor or chore, is cherished.
2. Quality Time – Undivided attention and time spent one-on-one are most valued.
3. Physical Touch– Feeling a warm embrace, a pat on the back or another safe touch is most desired.
4. Words of Affirmation– Saying “I love you”, “I’m proud of you”, “You’re doing an incredible job” is most appreciated.
5. Receiving Gifts – Not to be confused with materialism, but little tokens of thoughtful gifts signify love and affection.

Are you intrigued? I hope so. I am so excited to share with you that, together, we will be exploring each of the five love languages in my coming blogs. I will offer you tips and suggestions for each category. To get ready, you have homework!

The Challenge: If you are not quite sure which love language you most prefer, take Dr. Chapman’s quiz to gain a better perspective. Invite your significant other, your children, or the other important people in your life to do it, as well, so you can show your love in the way that they most prefer.

For more information on understanding the five love languages and how they relate to loving yourself, contact us, today!